Friday, February 26, 2010

Tight Spaces

I'm claustrophobic.

The positive way to put this is that I like wide open fields, large, lapping bodies of water, the beach before and after everyone has come or gone, empty elevators and 360 degrees between me and the last person who made the door revolve. That list would be much longer if I thought about it for another hour, day or week. I back up when someone in a grocery line stands too close whether they're in front of or behind me. I'd rather pull my car over and let another pass than suffer through a tailgating episode. I board planes after others cram and hurry to arrive frantically at an assigned seat. It will be there whether they're first or last to get on.

I am not antisocial, but solitary, and this arm's length need extends roundly to all my senses. I am downright intolerant of slamming doors, incessant public cell phone conversations, gum cracking,"outside" sounds taking place inside or television-as-background noise. Some of these are futile intolerances in a new media/digital age. I am attuned to quiet. To others' voices and my memories of them, to the kaleidescopic variety of sounds that water can make--splashing, running, breaking on a shore, drip-drip-dripping, rain's changing textures and temperatures, the quiet of a snow "storm"; I have never heard a snowstorm make any thunderous noise. My aural preferences are rooted in meaningful and natural things, earth's seasons and the delightful side of our shared humanity.

When I look, I like a moment to engage what I see--not to experience anxiety I associate with millisecond half-shots followed by unidentifiable things from different angles that appear in music videos, avante-garde films and new commercials. If I am listening to the news, I do not appreciate "ticker tape" borders running interference against my senses, competing for the status of "first to tell" as both anchor and border create their own kind of attention deficit disorder. When I look I want to see--to be able to identify a lovely frame, face, unique profile, beautiful wool or fine linen, a still image that changes every time I see it, a moving image I can associate with pictures I know, a baby's face that morphs with every mood and age, yet retains traces of it from birth to maturity. Looking and merely "seeing" are different experiences. Looking is neutral, curious, perceiving and making an effort to understand. Seeing is experiencing the passing of an object through the biological mechanisms of vision.


I realize how retrograde this post sounds. It may also seem cheesy and nostalgic. But sometimes convictions are borne out of the most cheeseball kinds of sentimentalities others have disposed of through time and "progress". I like an orange off a tree, a 100% cotton garment, a pen and paper, getting slowmail, sending a package wrapped in brown paper, Crest "original" toothpaste and "band-aid" bandages. Walnuts are filled with specially shaped nut meat and memories of cracking them with my Granny, ecstatic to preserve a "whole" half. Ice cream tastes so good because Dad would take us to Thrifty's ice cream counter for a scoop. I always had orange or rainbow sherbet. Homemade cookies and goodies reveal my sister's cooking talents and my love for receiving them each Christmas. Enchiladas have become a celebratory "home fixin'" because they remind me of California and my mother made them well. Plain spoon size shredded wheat is somehow all mine.

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Ventures into virtual land

I admit I am a techno dinosaur. My laptop is slow and low on memory space. Maybe these first two lines parallel mid-life. Both of my daughters have recently married in the last two years. I am at odds with myself and contented at the same time. Is that possible? I began this blog in a technology boot camp that was our faculty retreat just days before the halls of our new building were filled with cute boots that college girls wear and the sounds of cellular equipment dinging, vibrating and rapping. Within the span of two years, I turned fifty, traveled to Africa, accepted a position as Associate Dean of a brand new School of Communication that had long roots in a small department I have been part of for eighteen years at an institution I love. I became a grandmother of a little girl, deployed thirty five students to mentor young girls, women and migrants from faraway places out of one of my classes, and traveled to two different states to stand in my role as proud mother of the bride. Alone. Their weddings were as perfect as my daughters are different. I cried unbridled tears at the ceremony where I felt like I was revisiting my former life with their father's family and loving them all, healing from an ancient divorce and regretting the unfinished business I have with the bride. The second ceremony signaled a "coming out" of shyness I had never seen in my younger daughter. I have not been successful in love, though I have loved and been loved; yet both of these beautiful young women, my daughters appear to have found their life's mates. I wish I could take credit for that, but I have no idea if any is mine and am grateful for their good judgement. My insides moved at the second wedding from fatigue, joy, a sense of completion, and overwhelming sentimentality at the simultaneous sight of watching my eldest nurse her baby, worry about a baby girl's fusses while cutting new teeth, and my youngest's embracing of her big, beautiful day that she had worked months to deploy with a budget spreadsheet, delegation of roles to aunts, uncles, parents, grandparents and her truest friends. I spent that day in two places very far away from each other--ecstasy and longing. I celebrated a beautiful couple's joy, likeness, practicality and sense of humor, watched my parents who are in their seventies dance for perhaps the first time in fifteen years. They came alive as if they had not suffered the loss of many dear friends over the past few years; they looked young and as I remember them loving each other in sweet and funny ways throughout my growing years.I felt the loss of my importance in each daughter's life as I watched my eldest fulfill her role as wife and mother, nursing her baby girl, feeling those early pangs of watching your daughter suffer, even if only from cutting new teeth. I felt like a woman cutting new teeth in suffrage and liberation at once. I was far away from my home in Chicago and close to the home of all that I knew as a child and young mother stranded between the whole of what I thought I might do with my life's future over five decades. I have failed miserably in some things and reached heights I never knew I was capable of. I finished a book manuscript over the summer that took me eleven years to write through the trials of tenure, raising teenage daughters and managing parts of my life that always seemed like bikes and ropes and water and steam that I tried to hold onto, but could never fully grasp.