Clearing a Path for Balance

I have not had the experience of writing while at the same time balancing my life--with chores, working in my office during regular hours, keeping up on nutritional needs, sleep or exercise and handling things like basic hygiene, beauty maintenance and any kind of socializing.

This is the old picture; I am sitting in my office at 2:30 in the morning not having eaten since noon, taking cigarette breaks at each "finished" juncture, wearing comfortable sweats, a man's oversized shirt (probably without a bra), no shoes on, but that can be easily slipped on in case I need to go out to smoke. I am in this mode of hibernation days in a row, sometimes having never gone to sleep and others, leaving for home when my eyes are crossed and I can no longer think. I am hyped up on a chain of diet coke cans I emptied, hoping that there is one at home when I get there. I will need the "refreshment" and a couple of cigarretes before I get to sleep. I do not answer my phone, I do not talk to my friends and maybe even my children. This is how it used to be. And strangely---oh so strangely, I am getting down on myself for not being in that mode of operation.

When I started thinking about this reasonably I was amused because that picture is so unhealthy and I had sustained it during writing "jags" throughout my working years. It has been two working weeks and I have been drawing circles around a methhods section that will be an appendix in the book. I had a breakthrough two days ago and at least at this time know what I need to say and in which order--that is 90% of the challenge. Yet I flagellate myself for what feels like complacency instead of desperate, driven and work-at-all-hours-mania.

So I've decided to list the things I've done while continuing to work through the writing:

1) I have maintained a (mostly) healthy diet, eaten "on time" for my diabetic body and kept track of my blood sugar numbers while adjusting my two kinds of insulin injections I do four times a day. I have taken the oral medications that go along with that regimen. My numbers are getting better, I am not as sleepy as I was for the past three months or so, and I am surviving the crazy energy shifts that go up and down as my sugars rise and fall with the new management regimen.

2) I got my hair cut and colored because both were about three monts overdue. This week I dispensed with the big barettes that I was using to pull my overgrown hair up, which made the gray hairs framing my face even more obvious.

3) I got my car serviced and new brake pads put in. According to the mechanic, I am good for a couple more years.

4) I sent a donation I had promised to a kids' league in Danville Illinois because it means a lot to me to support a former student of mine in giving back to his community after earning his degree and playing professional basketball around the world over the past few years.

5) I cleaned out my pantry (and my legs were sore the next day), my bathroom cabinets and packed away clothes that had been sitting in piles in my room needing to be stored.

6) I took a small pile of clothes to the dry cleaners that had been sitting around for a few months.

7) I found Eloina again, and she and Oscar came--Eloina to clean and Oscar to dispense with a large "giveaway" pile that was cluttering my kitchen.

8) I bought a de-bugging fogger that I will unleash on the little critters tomorrow before I leave my house because they are boldly biting me whether I am awake or asleep.

9) I picked up prescription medications three times because they never come up for refilling at the same time.

10) I went to a dermatologist for the first time in several years because I am having out of control breakouts and I do not want to live with them any longer.

11) I have stuck to my minimal cigarettes rule during workdays. If at all, I may smoke a half during a go-outside break when I need to hunt up some lunch.

12) I mailed a little care package to each of my daughters.

13) I have been wearing office attire and working during regular hours, leaving it there until the next day. I slipped a bit yesterday on the "looking nice" front--more casual than usual, but am hoping my boss will understand that I have already made a radical transition (but how can he? He does not know my old routine.)

14) I found some fall "transitional" clothes that I have been watching for . . . I needed a black skirt that fits well; I found it after waiting a year and a half to get the right one!! I found a pair of summer-weight pants that will go well into fall because they are grey; they are office appropriate and will supplement the 3 pair I wear regularly now--black, navy, beige. I searched for closed toe flat shoes that are office and administration retreat appropriate because my "flats" supply is limited and I cannot yet wear high heels because of my knee. I bought nothing because nothing was right. I like it when I do that. I finally found two cheap t-shirty tops to wear with the leggings I have but have never worn because I had no shirts long enough to wear with them.

15) I took two large bags of ice to an administrative assistant's home because she had knee surgery.

16) I put away the laundry Eloina did and the dry cleaning I picked up.

17) I found some new (and inexpensive) kitchen curtains because the ones I made myself eight years ago had seen better days. I had passed on others because they didn't seem right. The ones I finally found are. I hung them this week with no expense in window treatment hardware; I decided to let my own little ones stand to save energy and a few dollars.

18) I paid Eloina for her services and for the last time she cleaned for me. She had disappeared for awhile because of no telephone. I am delighted to have her back because she does an excellent job all the way around.

19) I called my sister to find out how my nephew's appointment at Cedar Sinai went on the day it happened.

20) I have maintained a reasonable level of basic hand, face and hair washing, bathing and putting on crisp office wear each morning.

21) I communicated with a new research subject and got necessary contact information while getting a preview of whether or not this person can make a good contribution to my next project. It turns out he can, and I am pleased about that.

So there are twenty one things I have done while working on a writing project. I have only slept about 4-5 hours per night because I stay up late to think or not think. I could use some improvement here. I have slightly increased my cigarette consumption during non-work hours, but understand that it is because of my old writing habits. I will give it up when I finish this last step. I have forgotten my insulin or test strips to take to work, but successfully compensated and got it right the next day. I have maintained my farmville farm and cafe world on facebook because it is a relaxing experience, but I have adjusted my level of involvement. I have spoken with my parents and thought about my kids daily, who were at a family reunion and both have big things going on this week--one is moving to a beautiful new home, the other working toward fitness goals and supporting her husband through job interviews. I will catch up with them soon.

I am going to the (Loyola U.) President's retreat on Monday and Tuesday of next week. Today while my car was being serviced, I started reading a book that is one of several reading materials that have been disbursed in installments throughout the week. I expect to get through them all this weekend.

Tomorrow, I hope to have a successful writing session in my office, wearing office-wear, only smoking half a cigarette at break time and maintaining my "feeding" schedule, which I resent, but the resentment won't help me at all, so I choose to surrender to the current state of things. I am excited that I have the necessary tools to make some headway on my skin breakouts; I have been drinking more iced tea and less diet coke. It's a start. . .

So, I guess this picture is a little different and I am in the process of becoming different, but this thing called "me" seems like a heckuva lot of work sometimes. Thanks for listening, blogland:)

Love this quote

If you bring forth what is within you what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” Jesus Gnostic Gosepel of Thomas

Been Away from Here

Dear Bloggy readers,
I have been away. . . doing research, seeing family, trying to fill my soul up with summertime sunshine and yes, still managing some health issues that are a ready made prerequisite to doing all else.

It is now time to go into my writing "cave" to finish the last edits of a ten year long writing project that will be actually "finished" when I come out of the cave. I am procrastinating, waiting for inspiration, nervous because I changed the version of Word just prior to needing to do this, and I'm not so familiar with that system. . . arrrgghhhh. This, too is a little hurdle that I will jump.

I spent this weekend preparing to organize my household so that I could feel free when I got to the office tomorrow, and have managed to procrastinate on that, too. I have set two small and "doable" "to-do's" that I hope to accomplish by this evening's end. I expect to be away from this site for another few weeks so that I don't get in my own way (as if I'm already not doing that. . . ha!) Wish me luck, straight thinking and a finished product that I can send off before the month ends.

Here goes. . . .